Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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