i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
