He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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