Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
