I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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