Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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