i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
