just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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