my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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