Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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