I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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