I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
