my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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