3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
