I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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