talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
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Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
false alarm, still single
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