remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Everclear isn't food dammit
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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