And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
