I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
