he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......