he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
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and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!