remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Liz is crying about burritos again.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
