I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Terrible idea I love it
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
