i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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