you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
