got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
