I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
