The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
