I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
