fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so let's talk penis.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
