I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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