I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
