I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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