Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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