apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
