my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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