seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
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I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
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Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
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