just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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