god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
