he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
