The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
