If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
