Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
