He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
