Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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