im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
