If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
how does that bad decision feel?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
