My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
