my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
