oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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