Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
