hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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