I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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