wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
