He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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