I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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