The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm passing your future prison.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
